The crossroads on the horizon.
I can’t believe that it’s almost August. I only have a few weeks left of summer before my final year in law school.
I need to finish clerkship apps. I need to start realistically looking into other post-grad employment opportunities.
I’ve already started looking at the bar and trying to make logistical sense of testing in two jurisdictions.
In less than a year I’ll be done. In less than a year I’ll have graduated college. In a year plus a week, I’ll be taking the bar. I can’t believe how intermittently fast and glacial a pace the past three years have gone. In less than a year I’ll have to be an adult with a full time job and full time responsibilities. How does a person even deal with the minutia of full time employment without having something like schooling to break it all up?
It’s kind of hard to put to words how it makes me feel. In the past, I’ve always looked forward to the next stage of life. New places, new people, new adventures. But each new stage was always apparent. From junior high to high school, high school to college, college to law school, suburban living to the city. I know life is not clean and doesn’t move neatly from level to level like an 80’s era video game, but the immediate future was always relatively easy to see the shapes of on the horizon. Post-grad and post-bar is like a cliff. I can’t see what’s over the edge, and it’s remarkably close.
I’m not scared. I also wouldn’t say I’m any more worried than is considered normal and healthy. Maybe I’m just at a loss and feeling like there’s no way to properly prepare for being imminently cast adrift.
In less than a year, I’ll be lawyer with a Tumblr - not a law student with a Tumblr.
In less than a year, all these people I’ve grown so close to in such a short time are going to disappear. This bothers me more than it ever did in undergrad and certainly more than it did in high school. This is the first time I’m anticipating losing people and caring about that fact.
In less than a year, the Bear will move out to the western part of the state and I will cry because we’ll be too busy for me ever really see him more than once or twice a year. In less than a year, my Law School Lady Friend will move back to the northern reaches of her home state and I will cry because I will likely only be able to see her a handful of times a year because she’ll be a full day’s drive away. In less than a year, the Manchild will move home and - more than the Bear and Law School Lady Friend - we will be separated by the most distance and the most fucked up personal history and I will cry because I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again.
I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway as he just drifts on his raft. This is lame as hell. I’m gonna put this in the queue and take a lot of melatonin.